Tuesday, 13 December 2016

I'm still in Australia, almost died and watched some kangaroos shagging (part 2)

I'm still in Australia, slightly more sunburnt than my first post and happily never want to head home. Sorry, mum. Carrying on my journey of enlightenment (also known as a holiday), next we took to the sea and sailed around the Whitsunday Islands on a boat which had a toilet that also acted as the shower. You could happily wash ya pits while dropping some shits at the same time. Very inventive. 
We slept out ondeck while watching shooting stars fly above, sharks circle below and laughed at absolutely nothing until the sun came up. It was picturesque, perfect and so pleasant I can't even think of anything witty to say. I apologise for the shit start to my second Aussie blog. I'm disappointed in myself too.

There are just certain moments in life when all your fears, failings and doubts just drift away and the weight of the world isn't quite as crippling. Even just for a few minutes. I'm not saying this was one of them times, but it was the most content I can recall being in a very long time. I felt free from my demons and free to just be. It felt nice.


We soon sacked the boat off amid inevitable seasickness and checked into Daydream Island. And realised this side of the world appears to have a different meaning to the word 'luxury.' A private island resort with nothing and no one around for miles, what could go wrong? Everything it seems. 
If the wild kangaroos weren't shagging by the pool and corrupting the minds of the youth, they were happily shitting everywhere. The pipe system burst upon our arrival meaning all water flowing into our lovely bathrooms was the colour of shit. Pure brown streaky poo. I couldn't get a strong enough signal to stream the I'm A Celebrity finale. There was a snake outside our room... but I kind of enjoyed that. And not forgetting my brief brush with death during a jet ski disaster. 

There I was bouncing along the waves at 70MPH without a care in the world when suddenly I'm flung from the beast between my legs. The jet ski flipped over, I flipped over, somehow smashed my head in the process and the next thing I knew I was under the water watching the light fade further and further away. 
They say your life flashes before your eyes in these moments? Bullshit. For some reason all that came to my mind was Natasha Bedingfield's absolute anthem Unwritten. What a song to bow out too. Thankfully I fought to the surface (mainly cause I were wearing a life jacket) and discovered my jet ski 40ft away and Thomas sat on his laughing away while watching me struggle. Despite all the drama it was a surprisingly pleasant stay. There's nothing like a Brit abroad having a moan though, is there? I'd give it a strong 4/5 on Tripadvisor.



 If it was up to me I'd rename this the Alright Barrier Reef. Don't get me wrong, It was good... but great? I'm not convinced. But then again I've never been one to appreciate them 'wonders of the world.' The Northern Lights? Just a blurry light that comes (and goes) quicker than me when I lost virginity. A literal blink and you'll miss it. And the Grand Canyon? I've been there twice now and I'm still yet to see anything other than a big bloody hole in the ground. I think my general unappreciateion for the Reef comes down to the fact I don't like fish, I'm shit at swimming and all the magic and mystery of what's lurking under that water has been destroyed by Finding bloody Nemo. It's called a Clown fish, you morons! It was a nice day out on a boat though. My highlight was watching Thomas attacking jellyfish with his underwater selfie stick.