Sunday, 16 April 2017

A real Australian road trip...

Imagine this.

You're living in Sydney, the sun is shining and you're off on an impromptu Easter road trip with your Tinder boyfriend who is now your actual boyfriend. The car is packed, the drinks are in the cooler and the destination is unknown. The only requirements are sand, sea and a little bit of surf. There's a tent in the backseat, pile of pillows on top and adventure on the horizon. You'll sleep wherever you stop, set up camp on the sand and cuddle close round the fire when the evening chill sets in.

You're living out the fantasy of every Tumblr obsessed teen with a dream.

"This is going to be more than a Good Friday," you think as you start the trip with a kiss and set off at the crack of dawn. Ah, the honeymoon period - the pinnacle of all recently established relationships.

Now imagine this.

You've spent the day alone on a deserted beach that you stumbled upon by chance a few hours up the coast. There's been swimming, surfing, sunbathing and inevitable sunburn. You are British, after all. And a bit of kissing. The hidden away heaven you've landed in has been yours for the taking. Lost? That's impossible because there was never a final destination.

You're like Adam and Eve before she realised he wasn't enough and shagged a snake or however that story panned out. Fuck knows. You're suddenly wishing you paid more attention in school. And then you pack up, load the car, stop in a small town for some food before finding another spot to set up for the night.

"God almighty," you think. "This day couldn't be any more perfect."

And now imagine this.

You've arrived at your final beach spot, the sun is starting to set, there's a couple of families a few hundred meters up playing peacefully and you decide to go climbing the caves that sit at the end of the sand. "Well, Jesus was shoved in one a few thousand years back on this weekend," you think. "It's only fitting."

So there you are, clambering above the sea through the caves and rocks, the nearest people just little dots down the golden horizon.

You're in complete bliss with your Tinder boyfriend.

And then you turn round and see something further along the rocks.

Is that...? No, it can't be? You turn to your Tinder boyfriend and point out the unlikely tourist attaction you've spotted.

He confirms what you feared.

"Yep, that's two old blokes sucking each other off," he exclaims.

Your eyes then awkwardly catch theirs and as you both look down in disgust they throw an inviting smile. "Jesus didn't rise from the dead for this," you think. The sins that the big man initially died for quickly becoming apparent.

As you then stand up and instantly start walking away with your equally confused Tinder boyfriend, the blokes start to follow you. They're at a distance but hot on your tail as their elections waft in the wind. "What the fuck is going on?" you wonder, while throwing them a deadly glance. Thankfully they suddenly stop as they sense your discomfort.

Racing back towards the car an old bloke then stumbles out from the nearby bushes in front of you. He's wearing nothing but a black cap, backpack and metallic cock ring that glistens in the fading light around his throbbing Holy Spirit. The faint sound of a woman groaning in pleasure echoes from behind him. "That's no Virgin Mary back there," you think. Your mind dares to ponder the nailing she's obviously having while hidden in the foliage. Jesus clearly not the only one crucified on this fateful weekend.

Then once you're back in the safety of the car you fire up Google and discover you've just been in NSW's top outdoor sex hotspot. Birdie beach. A family playground with an apparent and not so discreet 'unclad clothing' section by day. A cruising, cum covered, mess of desperate cock, droopy tits and predatory perverts by night.

Thankfully though, you made it out the problematic area without penetration.

“We're safe now,” you tell your Tinder boyfriend as you speed off down the coast. The both of you erupt into a fit of baffled giggles.

And that's how my Easter weekend panned out.

The rest of it was as perfect as it started without any more unwanted penis starring us in the eye, but what the fuck is with some people? These posts may be filled with my desire to try new things while travelling – but I draw the line at dogging. If I swung that way I could have happily got my end away in the car park behind Mile End station.

The morale of this update? Don't go sucking people off in public, it's weird and scares people.

And if you're off an a road trip of your own, a little bit of research beforehand wouldn't hurt.